Monday, April 25, 2011

i.can't.get.over.it.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Escribir, por ejemplo : 'La noche está estrellada,
y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos'.
El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.
Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.
En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos.
La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.
Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería.
Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.
Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.
Oir la noche immensa, más inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío.
Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.
Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.
Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.
La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos arboles.
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto pero cuánto la quise.
Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.
De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto al amor, y es tan largo el olvido.
Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.
Aunque ésta sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.

-Pablo Neruda

:) or, for the english translation, go here: http://www.westal.net/hp/mint/poems/puedo.htm

Thursday, April 21, 2011

the waking up is the hardest part

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part."
Dear John Mayer,
Thank you for putting in harmonies exactly what I feel.

There's this is guy.....I don't know him that well, but, I really really really liked him. We had mutual friends, and I saw him from time to time.
But I thought about him all the time.
Ya see, I've always had this problem, I obsess about something, and I start dreaming, and then I get carried away. And so far, "dreams come true" hasn't worked out for me. So, I try to deter myself from dreaming about a lot of things, specifically people, specifically people I really really really like, cuz I don't wanna screw myself over.
And of course, I did, again.
Anyway, the guy. I wanted to be with him SOOOOO bad, so bad! And I kept thinking I was getting closer and closer. And I'll admit, I was teetering on the edge of stalker :) But hey, he's really cute.....and he's that mysterious, broken guy every girl wants to understand and nuture. So you see I was easily swooned.
But, all of a sudden, (I'm going to warn you now, facebook ruins lives), he changed his status to "in a relationship". I crumbled. My eyes filled with tears, my heart dropped. I practically ran to my shower, got in, and underneath the water bashed myself for being to freakin stupid....I may have used other words...may have :) I cried and complained to God, asked why, why was this happening? Why now when I was so close? Why was I stupid enough to think a guy that barely knew me, and barely's pushing it, would randomly walk into my life and we'd live out my fairy tale? Oh I know why, cuz I am that stupid.
So, I've gotten better, I've cried more...especially when I found out who she was. When I charged up my iPod just so I had to something to sob to.
So I've decided to give myself a week. Next Tuesday, I need to move on. I mean it's not like he's married or anything, I still have a chance :) And as dangerous as this might be, I'm holding on to that.
I'm letting go of the pain, but not him.
Not yet.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

In Honor of my Last Day of Being Sixteen.....

I think it's appropriate to shine a light on a few specific things that's made it one heck of a year!
  • Joining Damsels! Winning 4th place at State Fair! (even though we deserf
  • Drama Club (always!)
  • A thirty-something year old guy working at a resturant giving me his number as I was paying....and then texting him later telling him I was only 16, and never hearing back from him. And then only to find out later that my friend knows him....and he's got a family. Niceee.
  • Going to the best school dances EVER!
  • Seeing all my cousins in one place for the first time in like 6 or 7 years! (Not under the best circumstances though....but still)
  • Riding a motorcycle for the first time!
  • Seeing my dad get held up outside my grandparent's house...wait, were these supposed to be good things? Well, still interesting.
  • Learning I don't have to be anybody specific, I don't have to fit in a box. I have many different sides, and it's perfectly ok to be one side one day, and another side another day, and eventually someone will be able to deal with my many different facets :)
  • I stopped caring about a lot of things that don't matter or that I can't change.
  • Seeing people for who they truly are, and now feeling up to the challenge to do something about it.
  • Becoming more confident...still got a ways to go though
  • Being more honest with myself
  • Going on my first interview, although it was cut short when they found out I wasn't 18...talk about embarrassing.
  • Learning to relish every second of my lucky lucky life
  • Being The Crow for Jordyn's Halloween themed birthday party :)
  • Meeting new people, new friends, and being more outgoing
  • Learning how much I really do love my entire family
  • Going out with my friends more, and having fun!
  • Actually making an effort to reach my goals, instead of just talking about them
  • Working at Lucas Oil Stadium for 14 hours straight (oooohhh myyy Goddd!)
  • Learning that I can, and one day soon will be completely content and happy with my life, because it IS good. It's not perfect and the sun doesn't shine all the time, but I'm very lucky.
  • Vowing to l.i.v.e every single day of my life, because they're all gifts from God, thanks buddy :)
  • And of course, continuing to dream. dance. sing. smile. and laugh. and i won't stop. ever.